Pain, in all its forms

Today your inconsistent writer would like to express to all the world how much it hurts to be rejected, and worse, ignored. I put my heart and soul into my art. It’s as if nobody cares. At one point it seemed as though my photography blog was going to break out of obscurity, but those hopes are sinking yet again. I’ve been rejected by a juried show yet again. Both of these really hurt and piss me off at the same time. Why should I care if nobody else does?

Then there is the physical pain that I endure every day. Yesterday it rained all day. I couldn’t sleep a wink last night. I even did something I NEVER do. I took an extra pain pill. GASP! It didn’t help much. I am guessing that I got three hours and thirty minutes of sleep last night. All of this adds up to a crushing depression that is hard for me to endure.

It’s difficult for me to give up. I want to quit trying. Believe me. I really want to stop. If I do stop trying to make a difference in this shitty world, what’s left? Brooding thoughts, darker than a crow feather, fester in my mind and heart. No, I would never take my own life under any circumstances. Well, only under the most extreme circumstances could induce me to take such a step, but allow me the right to wish to die. Why do people suffer so? Life is a series of misfortunes that end in death. At least for me it seems that way.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which means I have long periods of sadness that are punctuated with brief moments of happiness, not joy, but mere happiness which is fleeting and of no moment. Joy? How often have I felt that profound feeling? I don’t know if I ever have. The same goes for romantic love. That seems to have eluded my life as well. I curse my fate!

Noah curses Ham ©Unknown

 

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About Russell Smith

I was born at the American Hospital in Neuilly-sur-Seine, France. I find inspiration in the lives of so many people from Joan of Arc to Oscar Wilde. While my primary avocation is photography, I also enjoy philosophy, theology and most of all, history. My beloved wife, Robin Anne Smith, who passed away in 2013 is also an inspiration to me. My beloved partner, Dana is also a great support and inspiration to me. I'd be remiss if I did not mention my cats: Natasha, Maxwell, Tigger and Nigel.
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